Umineko No Naku Koro Ni Parody Edition Episode 1
by Lolitafreak88
Summary: Origins of the Golden Witch Welcome to Rokkenjima, the isolated island where it's residents support child abuse, family conferences used as an excuse to be as heinous as possible, and lots of mysterious myths involving a witch and epitaph. When murders begin happening to the prestigious and dysfunctional Ushiromiya family, it's a fun race against time and fate to find the culprit.
1. Chapter 1

Umineko No Naku Koro Ni Episode 1: Parody Edition

By Lolitafreak88

This is a parody of Umineko No Naku Koro Ni made by a fan. Property of 07th Expansion so all copyright and ownership belongs to them. Also this parody is designed for those who've read all eight games of Umineko No Naku Koro Ni (Legend-Twilight) whether the original visual novel or the manga or both so beware of spoilers! Thank you.

This story is fictional, thank god or else Rokkenjima would have WAY too many visitors.

Any resemblance to real people, events, etc. is purely coincidental… though any resemblance to real anime is probably not so much a coincidence.

Chapter 1: Meet the Ushiromiyas

"Are you really drinking again Kinzo? You should really reconsider rehab." Sighed the rather plain and ordinary physician.

Two old men could be seen inside a study that clearly hadn't been cleaned in years and smelled of something very sticky and sweet. For a study, this room had everything, an expensive bed, a servant on watch duty, books, alcohol apparently, and something else… but that's not until later.

"It's one of my oldest and most prized friends. Ever since I lost... BEATRICEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The old man lying in bed spoke coherently but in a tone that was incoherent.

Who was this Beatrice he spoke of? That's also not until later but believe your parody writer, it's important. The plain and ordinary physician, whose name was revealed to be Nanjo Terumasa despite nobody saying his name yet, gave a pitying expression.

"Kinzo-san… your body only appears to be well thanks to the efforts of your medicine. However-"

"Wait a moment! What the heck did you just call me?!" Kinzo interrupted bluntly.

"Wh-what…?"

"After saying 'Kinzo' you said something strange… sounded like sand."

"Oh that was 'san', an honorific. This entire household uses honorifics." Nanjo explained.

"Who the heck decided that and why isn't it in Western culture?!" Kinzo shouted.

"It's polite and a form of respect. I believe the West has their own form of honorifics as well. Anyways you're going to drink yourself to death at this rate." Nanjo returned to the main topic at hand much the audience's relief.

"Shaddup. I have money and a broken heart so I'll do what I want. Genji! I order you to give me another glass." Kinzo arrogantly rejected Nanjo's advice and pointed to the servant standing like a robot in the room.

"are you positively sure?" Genji replied in a tone that was robotic and rather void of any emotion.

"Yes… but if I must, I suppose you may water it down for Nanjo over here." Kinzo compromised in his own special way.

The smell of alcohol was threatening to induce a coughing fit in Nanjo but Genji seemed quite unfazed. As Genji was becoming acquainted with the the alcohol cabinet, Kinzo spoke again,

"Nanjo, as a good friend of mine who I entrust very valuable secrets to, I am deeply grateful to have you as my physician, chess buddy, and guest on this island of Rokkenjima."

"Of course, I enjoy our chess games together." Nanjo explained.

"I wish you would listen to my superior chess advice though… I could've saved you from many-"

"here." Genji Ronoue said as he handed a fancy goblet to Kinzo.

"Perfection." Kinzo took the goblet quickly.

Had it even been on fire, Kinzo would still use it. For the green alcohol, probably what Shrek drinks when he wants some alcohol, was his personal delight.

"Tell me how much I have left Nanjo." Kinzo asked suddenly.

"In years? Months? Weeks? Days? Hours? Minutes? Seconds? Negative Seconds? Negative Minutes-"

"IN YEARS MAN!" Kinzo interrupted Nanjo's senseless suggestions to get his point across.

"Well… based on this prologue alone and I predict you have… but a little amount of time left." Nanjo said with a resigned expression.

"... One of my children could say that much. Be more specific." Kinzo said as he swirled his goblet.

"Shall I illustrate it using this chess board?"

"..." Kinzo only gave Nanjo a glare that clearly said ' _get to the point before I burn you in a furnace_ '.

"Err… alright… I guess there's no way around it although Umineko is all about being intellectual with these things… basically you ought to be writing your will right about now." Nanjo spoke much more clearly and to the point.

"A will for Beatrice?" Kinzo asked with surprising excitement.

"... I think for your children and grandchildren Kinzo." Nanjo closed his eyes as he said this.

"THEY ARE VULTURES! I am not going to give them directions on how to turn my corpse into a dinner buffet. Claus, Eve, Ronald, and Rosita… they don't deserve anything!" Kinzo slammed his goblet down in a fury upon being reminded of his children.

It was almost impressive how quickly Kinzo had established having his family having issues with his outward anger about his OWN children inheriting anything of his.

"First of all, those are not their names, and secondly, perhaps it is better to think of this as an official record for the future generations. You could write about your… regrets… and your sins… and generally how you've done your entire life wrong and how you could've done better..." Nanjo offered.

"...Hmph… Ridiculous. I, Ushiromiya Kinzo, have not one thing I want to record! I was born with nothing, I will die with nothing! There is nothing I wish to leave to my foolish children!" Kinzo lamented surprisingly sorrowfully.

"Not even peace of mind?" Nanjo asked.

"UWOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! BEATRICEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Our contract together has led up to this moment! Once I take my final breath, all shall be returned to you my Golden Witch!" Kinzo, after reaching a furious crescendo without even singing, slumped over with a demon-like posture.

"..." Nanjo just watched, unconsciously wishing that he had gotten that chessboard analogy through properly.

"However, I do have but one regret… It's useless, useless, useless!" Kinzo growled.

"Not really Kinzo-san." Nanjo said as he tried to comfort Kinzo but was shoved off.

"I want to see it one more time... ! I want to see Beatrice's smiling face one more time! I want to sing 'Oh Desire~' passionately to her beloved expression. But she has resisted me for so long-"

"And for good reason." Nanjo whispered incredibly silent to himself.

"Please allow me to return everything to you! Please grace me with your smile one more time… Beatrice, I beg of you…! Show yourself to me…! You're standing there… invisible… somewhere in this room aren't you…?!" Kinzo was a runaway train of crazy regrets at this point.

"master, i assure you, this room is protected by a charm that prevents witches and other such magical beings from entering." Genji corrected Kinzo.

Genji was then barely able to dodge a goblet of green alcohol that was hurled at him by a cross Kinzo. Nanjo looked on with a mix of despair and horror.

"Shaddup! Don't trifle me with plot contradictions while i'm making a plea for Beatrice! Ahem… Don't let me die alone! I cannot let myself die until I see your smile again! Aah, Beatrice! Beatriceeeeeeeeeeee!"

[Insert epic opening song here]

[After said epic opening song]

The first day

October 4th, 1986

"Whoa… Things sure move with the times… I can't believe we'll be able to make the trip in just twenty minutes…" Said I, a mysterious protagonist whose name is Battler Ushiromiya.

I couldn't help but marvel at how far things have come in recent years… the IPhone… wait a moment... Oh it meant recent years as in the 1980s… ok. But yeah, 1986 has a lot of real cool stuff. We're about to ride a really small plane, which is the first time I've ever been on such a small plane. Oh god it better not shake… Aah… spare me oh universe that doesn't run on magic…

"Hahahahaha, don't worry Battler-kun. The only thing that'll be shaking is the family reunion. The plane is the least of your concerns." My lord and savior George-Aniki said.

"Hehehe… don't scare me like that, you just shaved six years off my life." I admitted nervously.

To my confusion, George seemed to look at me with a brief pitying expression, almost like if it was a math class and I stumbled upon the correct answer but switched to a different one. Still, it was great to see this guy I haven't seen in six years.

"Ihihihihi… still I wish I was your age… I could go to the bars and get a little tipsy on some booze." I grinned cheerfully.

"I usually only do it for business rather than pleasure. Japan practically requires it." George said.

"Ihihihihi! That's why I always try to get a chance to get in some practice!" I puffed my chest out proudly.

Thanks to drugs, more drugs, and some exercise I got to be taller than George-Aniki. …Damn. I'll bet my relatives will all say 'look how big you've grown, Battler-chan san kun mii!~' or something. Anyways my name Battler… I know what you're thinking and no, I don't 'battle'. Still beats 'Sento-Kun' though which is what everyone tends to misread it as. My name is written [Insert kanji here]. Can you read it? ' _Hell no?_ ' Well that's ok, this is only a parody after all. The first part is the family name 'Ushiromiya' which doesn't mean anything in particular but is certainly epic-sounding. My cousin's name is Ushiromiya George which is spelled [Insert kanji here]... meh let's just skip the kanji. He's five years older than me and is the only one who wears glasses in the entire family. I have two other cousins who are females but more on that later… George is 'Aniki' because I still look up to him as a big brother… in a non-creepy way. Seriously.

"A-hyuck! Battler-kun! Look at how big you've gotten! You know what they say, 'leave a boy for three days and you'll hardly recognize him.' Especially if they fall into the ocean, become amnesic and live their lives as a different person!" Said my uncle Hideyoshi.

"It must be in his blood, I suppose.~ Rudolf wasn't that tall either until his high school years. Perhaps it's a sign of a late bloomer.~" Said my aunt Eva.

"Nah, it's nothing special. A real man needs to be tough on the inside too!" I declared proudly.

"Exactly! Battler-kun knows how it works! He's as mysterious as the dark side of the moon and swift as a coursing river! He waits ve-ry alertly for the perfect moment… and strike! Now, I never even imagined becoming a-"

"Oh darling… I'm sure your occupation reveal can wait until we start discussing about the inheritance with the others..~" Eva said sweetly though flirtatiously gripped Hideyoshi's right arm.

"Aw shucks! Ok Eva." Hideyoshi replied, hiding his blush rather well.

This pleasantly plump guy is Hideyoshi oji-san. George-Aniki's father. He's the spouse of my dad's older sister and so not connected by blood but BOY is he a nice and generous uncle. He speaks in a very odd and very noticeable Kansai dialect but was born in Kanto. No not the region where you can get a Squirtle, Bulbasaur, or Charmander. Though that'd be cool... ihihihi~ Apparently he never uses this Kansai dialect though in front of real Kansai people.

"So… Battler-kun…~ Are you a heartbreaker or a dreammaker? You surely must have lots of stories about that sort of thing right~?" Eva asked as she held a rather pretty fan daintily.

"Wh, what? Y, y, you're joking, right!? Of course nothing weird like that has ever happened to me! In fact I'd rather it did!" Flabbergasted, I do my best to recover.

"That can be arranged…~ *giggles*…" Eva gave a giggle that seemed very inappropiate for the PG-rated atmosphere.

This woman who constantly sounds like she's flirting is Eva oba-san, George-Aniki's mother and my aunt. She and Hideyoshi oji-san are a pair of jokers if I ever did see one. Sometimes it made it very, very, VERY hard to get along with them as a young child. Actually I think it's still very, very, VERY hard to get along with them at present time. Ah well, at least she's funny and their family seems to get along perfectly. Oh and she also has a cool tattoo of the family crest on her arm that no one else seems to have or bother mentioning if they have it or not. It's the One-Winged Seagull… or Eagle… one of the two.

"Battler-kun… have you seen Rudolf-san…?" Kyrie Eleison… I mean Kyrie Ushiromiya walked up to me and spoke.

"Huh? He headed off to the bathroom a while ago. Heh, maybe the old geezer dropped dead at long last, namunamunamu." I joked.

"That's no way to talk about your father, my husband, and my reason for being here and talking to you Battler-kun. Still, this isn't the first time he's taken so long in the bathroom." Kyrie went from a rather severe tone to a more easygoing tone.

"Yeah, that guy's always bringing a magazine with him. Ihihi, I wonder what he could be doing with those…"

"Well don't worry… in reference to the obvious innuendo you are making, I never let him do that on his own."

"Hihihi! I'll have to get the juicy details later! Man you really know how to reign in that horndog. Please take over that responsibility of mine." I said pervertedly.

"Tis my specialty Battler-kun. You can count on me." Kyrie said.

This woman is my father's wife. Ushiromiya Kyrie. She's not my real mother and is more of a stepmother as my real mother died six years ago. I can't really come to terms with the idea of calling my dad's business partner 'Mom' and likewise I can't recall a time she called me 'Son'. Our relationship is unexpectedly mature as we know to not pretend as though we're family. Instead she's like my friendly neighbor.

"Hmm… Battler." The devil spoke as he wiped his hands with a handkerchief and approached.

"Hey, what's… Owowowowowow! Don't pinch my ear, gaah! What are you eightttt?" I whimpered as my dad pinched my ears and pulled on them hard.

"You badmouth me, you get the bad reception. I deserve a little respect don't you think?" The jerk tried to gather some sympathy.

"I'm not Dumboooooo, yowwwwwwieeeeee…"

"Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right. Now say "Oh Father, dearest Father, please forgive me for being a bastard." Rudolf tormented me in a perfectly pesky way.

Yeah so this bastard is my dad… sucks to be me right now but it sucks even more to be him. I mean I bet he hates Grandfather for naming him after a christmas animated special. Yet he also gave me a crummy name. Surprisingly, Aunt Eva came to my rescue and pinched Rudolf's right ear.

"Hey, Rudolf? Isn't that child abuse?~ You don't want to be like Rosa riiiiight?~"

"Gyaah, that hurts, Aneki…" Rudolf had a taste of his own medicine.

See, this is why Eva's the older sister. Kyrie fortunately stepped in by offering to pinch his other ear later which Eva agreed to gleefully. Already this long and we haven't even gotten to our last two guests coming along with us on the trip. Oh, the old geezer's made a pass at Eva being lucky Hideyoshi came along or she'd be unsold. Bad move knowing Eva's passive aggressiveness...

"Who you calling unsold?! Taste the sting of Ushiromiya-Fu! Hi… YAH!" Aunt Eva unleashed one of her beautiful high reverse roundhouse kicks… in an airport where security could be watching.

Ok… she didn't really kick him, she stopped just a centimeter from the tip of Dad's nose. Long story short, Aunt Eva has come a long way in martial arts and her lower body truly is a lethal weapon.

"... Sheesh what a pain. I guess someone would need a gun to deal with you then Aneki." Rudolf joked nonchalantly.

"I wish I had brothers and sisters." Uncle Hideyoshi said.

"You can always make a little one for George." Kyrie offered with a surprising lack of playfulness given the suggestion.

"I wish Battler wasn't so much a blockhead and was more like George." The old bastard said, using the chance to berate me more.

"I wish you didn't betray mom!" I shouted having lost some of my patience.

There was an awkward silence at this unexpected plot twist. Rudolf scratched the back of his head, Kyrie looked at me funny, Eva and Hideyoshi seemed to keep to themselves, and it was just weird. Fortunately for all of us George-Aniki stepped in.

"I think the weather report says a typhoon is coming. A typhoon big enough to completely isolate a family living on an island from the outside world." He pointed out.

"T-This family conference is important George! We can't let a mere typhoon stop us!" Eva interjected rudely, losing some of her playful spirit.

"Eva…" Hideyoshi warned Eva.

"Err… I mean, I wish it was in a different season~... like during the Obon festival." Eva tried to sound more innocent.

Eventually she and Rudolf started quarreling about spread legs, the Obon festival, and who said what when. They are starting to make George look like the only adult here. Well except for Kyrie-san, she knows how to act like an adult. I hope I end up like him someday, a nice, intellectual adult. Though not sure about the glasses...

"Oh but I still need to work on becoming more bold and sociable Battler-kun… you have those qualities in spades." George confessed as though I had said all those things aloud.

"EHHHH? How did you hear me?" I asked, stunned.

"You were literally saying them under your breath. I think you need to work on internalizing your thoughts a bit." George said with a playful smile.

"... I hate being the narrator." I grumbled.

"AHHHH! ROSA-SANNN! YOU'RE HERE! AND MARIA-CHAN!" Hideyoshi, who has a trouble controlling his volume sometimes, was greeting Aunt Rosa who arrived late.

"Long time no see!- Uu!~" Said the little munchkin.

"Maria, shouldn't that be 'it's good to see you again'? Greet your uncle like a nine-year old girl would do." Rosa oba-san wasn't as charmed.

"Uu-... it's good… to see you again…" Maria corrected herself with less energy.

"Ding ding! We have a winner! Here's some candy for you! ... Oh wait… where'd I put it…?" Hideyoshi trailed off.

"It's been quite some time Rosa-san. Good to see you and Maria-chan again." Kyrie said.

"Kyrie Nee-San, Hideyoshi Nii-San and... Oh my gosh… Battler-kun is that you…?! Look at how big and strong you've gotten…" Oh god, so it begins.

It doesn't help that Rosa's smiling particularly big and has a twinkle in her eyes that seems a bit odd. Then again I heard she was one of the aunts who missed me most from the family conferences.

"Aww… you're gonna make me blush Rosa Oba-san… hahaha…" I downplay my reaction best I could.

"Hey Rosa. Not to be a stuck-up prick or anything but you would've completely missed our plane had it arrived on time." Commented Rudolf.

"Gomenasai. We had… trouble making our train connection." Rosa seemed to hesitate on giving her answer.

"Ah… is that why Maria has swollen cheeks and looks like Raggedy Ann…?~" Eva suddenly sent a large barb towards Rosa's direction.

"... No." Rosa reacted with a severe tone.

"My, my... ~ I'm sorry Nee-San…" Eva apologized as she fanned herself a bit.

"No you're not."

"Maria-chan's gotten huge too! So how tall are you now?" Hideyoshi was off in his own corner as the two sisters started to leer at one another.

"Tall enough to no longer need a booster seat." Eva offered.

Rosa looked about ready to slap Eva, which was completely justified at the moment, so Hideyoshi shot his wife a stern look. Eva relented and mumbled another apology and this time Rosa sighed and let it go. It was clear Rosa was at the bottom of the Ushiromiya siblings flagpole. Maria parroted her question to her mother, fortunately innocent of Eva's hostility, and Rosa started pondering the answer.

"I think it's safe to say she's grown a lot since last year." Kyrie said calmly.

The last time I saw Maria was when she was three years old and thus she seemed to give me wary glances and quizzical expressions, trying to figure out who this sexy beast in front of her was. Huh, maybe this narrating isn't so half-bad if I can promote myself.

"Maria, this is Battler onii-chan, Rudolf nii-san's son… understand?" Rosa babied Maria much like how I remember my own mother doing it for me.

"...The brother's son is… The brother is the son…. The sun is a brother… sun, sun, mr golden sun… UUU-!" Maria solved the mystery.

Don't even get me started on what 'Uu-' means, I think it's just a nonsense word she uses to fill in the blanks. Luckily, Super George to the rescueeeeeeee~

"Maria-chan, this is your cousin like me." He said.

"...Battler onii-chan?" She asked.

"Hi-ho! Battler the Ushiromiya here! Nice to meet you Maria!" I simplified my confirmation of her question so she could clearly understand me.

"Uu-! Battler!" Maria cheered happily.

Rosa looked like she wanted to scold Maria for not using proper terminology but she was keeping an eye on Eva oba-san, as though anticipating Eva to jump in with a snide remark should she say anything.

"Battler, Battler, Battlerrrrrr! Uu-! Uu-!"

"Maria, Maria, Mariaaaaaa! Uu-! Uu-!" We exchanged introductions with a jovial tone.

"Where's a recorder when you need one?" Rudolf snickered under his breath.

So now for an overview. Maria Ushiromiya and Rosa Ushiromiya. Daughter and mother. Unreadable but honest, miraculously not as screwed up as dad and has common sense. There we go, that's the whole Ushiromiya family going on the plane. There's still one more part of our immediate family we haven't met yet and they are the ones who live on the island 24/7. The announcement finally rang out that 'Flight 201 for Niijima' was boarding and everyone started to move about. Eventually, skipping a bunch of unnecessary exposition, we boarded the plane and took off into the air. Towards Rokkenjima… and the first family conference I ever went to in 6 years. This is going to be great! … Can I stop narrating now?

Origins of the golden witch

Your Current Narrator

Aniki

The Other Ushiromiya Girl

Uu-!

Alcoholic Grandfather

Santa Krauss

Kansai

Ushiromiya Headache

Kung-Fu Eva

Ushiromiya Rudolph

Kairi

Best Mom Ever

Dr. Phil

Maid

Cook

Butler

Furniture

Old Lady

Umineko No Naku Koro Ni: A Parody Edition

"Should've… taken the damn boat… the boat…" I grumbled after having a miserable experience.

WHAT THE HELL?! I'm still narrating?! That was a low trick...

"Fallllll! Free fallllllll! Uu-uu-uu-uu!"

"That's enough Maria…! But what a surprise, I thought that nothing could scare Battler-kun." Rosa only added to my embarrassment.

"Like Natsu after him, Battler's a leading male protagonist who can't handle vehicles for some reason. Always yells about falling and shaking and stuff." Go die in a fire you old bastard...

"Come to think of it nii-san. Why was your name spelled 'Rudolph' in that dramatic but uplifting opening scene? Isn't it spelled 'Rudolf'?" Rosa oba-san thankfully switched the topic to something relatively trivial but at least it involved Dad.

"Ah… translation errors?" He lamely suggested.

We split up and took separate taxis from the airport to the harbor. I mean unless it's Lost, you can't really use a plane to get onto an island the size of Rokkenjima. A silhouette that looked strangely similar to the form and style of the Lass from Pokemon X and Y suddenly came into view.

"George nii-saaaaaaan! It's been so frickin' long!" She sounded just as perky too.

"Ah, Jessica-chan. It's been a year since I last saw you! You also grew taller."

"Kya-haha, don't gimme that, it's embarrassing when you say that every year." Jessica said with a wink.

See, see, she gets the idea. It's like being crowned prom king and you didn't know you were on the ballot.

"You're venting your inner monologue again Battler-kun." George Aniki said.

"Gyahhh! So embarrassing…!" I groaned.

"Ahahahaha." Kyrie laughed cheerfully.

It was rare to see someone as stoic as Kyrie laugh so I took some relief in that accomplishment.

"Holy CRAP! Battler-kun?! You got so big…" Jessica's ever urban way of talking was still present.

"Yo, Jessica! Girl, you got some woman going on this time around! What're these, boobs? Even you managed to get a chest! Ihihihi, let me rub 'em, let me~!" I let my primal, manly urges take a hold of me and reached out to grab them.

"I am a blossoming, blushing flower of 18! Like heck I'd let you touch my boobs! You're not really going to let this guy grope my boobs right?!" Jessica looked towards the parents as she said the last part.

"It's what Rudolf used to do to me." Kyrie admitted.

"Oi… Kyrie… that was private…" My old man stammered with a blush.

"Can't say I mind too much.~ Would be a fun story to tell your grandchildren…~" Aunt Eva threw in a slightly questionable comment but it was better than her abrasiveness towards Rosa earlier.

"W-well… you only grew big physically then Battler-kun. Can you prove to be strong enough to touch my boobies?!" Jessica stammered but showed great confidence.

So this spitfire is Jessica Ushiromiya. Dad's older brother's daughter and the direct heir to the Ushiromiya family. She's supposed to be a lady by the Ushiromiya standards but as you can see she's as tomboyish as the trope can get. Worse still, she's stronger than me… or at least until now. I seem to be able to overpower her quite easily now.

"Sh, shut up already… I'm a woman, so there's no way I could beat a man with physical strength forever right?!" Jessica confessed after I questioned her about it.

"Feminism really is over." Rosa seemed to sigh with a bit of a disappointed expression.

"Nonsense Rosa…~ Just wait until this series gets going." Eva seemed to be up to foreshadowing this time.

"Well I bet all your strength went into that che~st of yours." I teased to Jessica.

"Then how about your ele~phant-san?" Jessica mimicked me right back.

"Stop it, idiot! Nooo you perv! I'll be ruined for marriage… don't touch my cro~tch!" I wailed as Jessica suddenly got a bit too carried away.

Perhaps it would be wise not to taunt her so much. Rosa was looking annoyed as Maria was leaning against her wondering what the heck we were talking about. ' _Poor innocent Maria shouldn't learn about these things just yet_ ' was what Rosa was saying with her eyes. I couldn't help myself though, I was so surprised at how feminine Jessica had become.

"Man I can't even pose a threat to you…" Jessica groaned.

"Uu-! Battler's biggest weakness is falllll, falllll!" Maria joked cheerfully.

"The season? I think my mom actually likes that season most."

"Shh, cut it out Maria~. That's our little secret together. Yeah it's totally the season and not some other type of fall!" I shush Maria gently before playing it off as a joke with Jessica.

"Ahhh! I can't wait till we get on the boat, the nice calm, serene-"

"Battler-san, how big you've grown…!" An old lady interrupted my thoughts quite spectacularly.

"EHHH?! Oh! Kumasawa baa-chan!" I greeted her friendly after being spooked.

"Uu-! Baa, baa black sheep… have you anymore…?" Maria recited a nursery rhyme she probably heard in school after hearing 'baa'.

"Ooh… want to feel my chest Battler-kun? I've been at the peak of my aging allure lately." Kumasawa offered while placing hands on her own bosum.

"V, very funny! My breast rubbing is strictly limited to bouncy girls!

Eva and Rudolf glared at Kumasawa for unknown reasons it seemed as their spouses didn't seem at all mad at Kumasawa's teasing. It was actually kind of weird to see Dad being mad at the granny offering her chest to me than me who started the whole chest debacle in the first place. I bet he also does the same to bouncy girls… ihihihi~

"Ahh… spending time with the youth always makes me feel rejuvenated and happy! Hoh-hoh-ho! To be fair I had some purchases to make but then it came down to me to pick you all up." Kumasawa chuckled.

Man is this old lady a trooper! Although she does like to try to slack off sometimes I hear...

"Ah, I brought some tea just like I promised last year Kumasawa-san. It's very popular tea." Rosa pulled out a souvenir bag and offered it to Kumasawa.

So dependable of her to remember a promise like that she seemingly made last year. Keep being the best mom ever Rosa oba-san. Now for the old lady… she's Kumasawa Chiyo-san. A senior servant who's worked for the Ushiromiya head house for many… oh who am I kidding? This is really starting to bore the heck out of me! When are we getting to the dang island and the boat?!

"Well then, everyone, shall we head over to the boat?" Kumasawa finally said the magic words.

"YES! Oh my god! Finally! We're getting to the good parts!" I jumped up and down in great excitement.

"Eh… George Nii-san? Has Battler gone psycho?" Jessica whispered to George.

"I think it's main protagonist syndrome… wish I had that." George replied.

"Well anyways Battler-kun. I hope you like speedboats.~" Jessica winked at me.

… Suddenly I was getting a really bad feeling about this trip…

"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The boat ride was a boat ride from hell!

"Battler-kun you really shouldn't lean over the railing like that. You might… descend." George seemed to be eyeing Maria as he said these lines.

"... Descend?" Maria asked confused, not understanding that word.

It seemed George didn't want to trigger another sing-song 'fall, fall' from Maria and fortunately he succeeded in that regard.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It's shaking, it's shaking, it's shakiiiiiiinggggg! PARACHUTE?! BUOY?! MERMAIDS?! Somebody save meeeeeee!" I wailed as I confronted my new arch-nemesis.

"Battler-kun, are you sure you don't want the boat captain to slow down the boat a bit?" Rosa asked me.

"Rosa oba-san! Are you a mermaid?! Stop the shakingggggg!" I clutch onto her suddenly, as though she was my life jacket.

"G-get off me!" Rosa shoved me off quite roughly, probably because she didn't see that coming and was offended.

"S-sorry… wait, I should turn it over and see-"

"Like hell you're using my chessboard reasoning for such a stupid reason." Kyrie called out angrily when she realized I was attempting to use a common logic of hers.

Kyrie-San loves to 'flip the chessboard over' buuuut more into detail on that on a future chapter. Just know for now it thinks based on what your enemy's thinking.

"Nooooo that was my only hope Kyrieeeeeee! I'm gonna falllllllll!" I shout in pure hysterics after clinging to the railings again.

...So after making myself look way worse at handling motion than even Natsu, Aunt Rosa talked to the captain and the boat ride was officially slowed down.

"... we're finally out of the lion's den… I don't have to pretend..." I moan.

"Geez, now you're quoting pop artists who haven't come out yet… I had no idea you were so fragile Battler-kun. Guess that's a point for feminism, I can handle any vehicle." Jessica guffawed.

"Dammit… go ahead and laugh. One of these days… I'll find your weakness… and use it to squish your boobies…" I retort pathetically.

"Uu-! Battler is weak…" Maria said.

"Yeah… Battler is weak. I want to die on land, not in the ocean or the sky."

"Ah… I'd be careful what you wish for Battler. There's a lot of different possibilities on how your wish could come true. Hoh-hoh-ho." Kumasawa teased.

"Not helping Baa-chan…" I groan as Maria patted my back with a blank expression.

"Battler-kun. The captain is throwing in drinks to make up for this…. They're non-alcoholic but they should still be good." George-Aniki said.

"... Hey Jessica. How are Krauss Oji-San and Aunt Natsuhi doing?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

"Regrettably they're fine… Though every other word out of em' is 'study, study' or 'I have a headache' or something about moon tourism…" Jessica complained as she twirled her hair.

"I usually hear 'exams, exams' or 'kung-fu one day, capoeira the next' or 'wahahaha' in my house." George sympathized.

"Uu-! I hear 'didn't I tell you to stop making that uu- sound', 'why can't you behave', and whatever's playing on T.V." Maria… sort of connected with us though the first two phrases didn't really sound like anything Rosa oba-san would say.

They sounded like something a crazy, knee-jerk reacting, abusive mother would say… or maybe a mother with a difficult child. After shifting uncomfortably, me, Jessica, and George continued our topic. Or we would've but Kumasawa had stuck around.

"Battler-san, you still cannot return to your home?" She asked in a gentle voice.

"... I'm getting there... " I say grimly.

"Look! A convenient distraction! The harbor!" Jessica decided to save Maria's innocence further by pointing to the harbor of Rokkenjima in the distance.

Thankfully it works, as I really don't like talking about all this. The truth is I had a big split with my dad's side of the family and left them to live with my mother's grandparents, even using their family name. The family name in question is completely irrelevant so don't ask. When the grandparents passed away one after the other, I was forced to go back and live with the old bastard. Only he is at fault though Kyrie-san can manage him better than anyone at this stage and I respect her. He betrayed my mom and I can't forgive him… Kumasawa-san apologized for potentially hurting my feelings but I let it slide. Maria was cheering constantly about finding the island at last and upon seeing it, I smiled. It really hadn't changed much in six years. Rokkenjima, an island about 10km around, located in the Izu Archipelago but NOT a real place in the slightest. Very few people know about this island, it's totally isolated, and it's an estate owned by the Ushiromiya head house. Perfect stage for a mystery since Harper's Island.

"Maaan, it's good to be rich. Ihihihi!~" I grin cheerfully at the thought of how exotic the island was and how it was all for us.

Granted I may sound like a greedy douche but I lived a commoner's life with my grandparents so lay off me a little. Wouldn't you have just about the same reaction? I hate talking about the riches baby so I won't. Maria then started shouting, as though to perfectly compliment my subject switch.

"Uu-! Gone, Gone! Uu- X4!" Maria said.

"... Well that's new." Jessica said in response to Maria's 'X4'

Perhaps Maria was tired of saying 'Uu' or trying to find a clever way to say it without coming off as too obnoxious which kind of worked in this case.

"Know what she's describing as 'gone' Jess?" I asked.

"Oh yeah there's this Torii shrine or something on a crag. It's totally gone now!" Jessica confirmed.

"A huge lightning bolt fell one evening and smashed the shrine… The fisherman-"

"Ok, you can stop that right now Kumasawa Baa-chan. Ghost stories are for kids… younger than Maria." Jessica interrupted Kumasawa-san who had joined in again rubbing her hands together.

"But the misfortune I tell you! The misfortune!"

"... A sign… of misfortune…. Miss Fortune…. Ms Fortune…. misfortune..." Maria started sounding like a creepy child.

"Ah, Maria-chan. Don't worry nothing's going-" George tried to settle the little Ushiromiya down but she wasn't having any of it.

"Misfortune… is coming…...uu- to the world..." She held up a finger, raised her arm high… and pointed to the heavens.

"Are we almost there yet?" Jessica, seemingly creeped out, grumbled and folded her arms.

Kumasawa-san realized she might have gotten on Jessica's last nerves and so she weaseled way as stealthily as she could. To replace her not long after was one of the uncles. Regrettably it was the loud one.

"YAR HAR HAR! We're almost there! If only someone wasn't a total wuss when it came to boat speeds we would've been there faster." Hideyoshi, pleasantly oblivious to the mood, completely lightened the atmosphere as he came over.

I just wish he hadn't needed to insult me to do it.

"Aww, Hideyoshi fat-san, gimme a break already~... hahaha!" I tried turning the tables on him with a underhanded joke of my own.

"#itch what did you just say?" Hideyoshi seemed to hear me and grumbled angrily, dropping his Kansai accent in the process.

"Uu-! Don't ignore the misfortune." Maria grumbled as she realized no one was listening to her.

"Don't worry Maria, as long as we're together, nothing bad can happen. George doesn't lie you know." George faced Maria and spoke very soothing words to her.

"You're right! George never lies!" Maria grinned happily and jumped into his arms.

"He learned from the best! Wahahaha!" Hideyoshi cackled gleefully.

...I'm starting to see why the anime got this story rolling quicker. Luckily after some conveniently timed squiggly lines and fade-out, we'll reach the island. Which is next chapter… OH PLEASE let me not be the narrator this time. This job sucks!

10:30 on the clock but the party hasn't started yet.

To Be Continued...


	2. Chapter 2

Umineko No Naku Koro Ni Episode 1: Parody Edition

This is a parody of Umineko No Naku Koro Ni made by a fan. Property of 07th Expansion so all copyright and ownership belongs to them. Also this parody is designed for those who've read all eight games of Umineko No Naku Koro Ni (Legend-Twilight) whether the original visual novel or the manga or both so beware of spoilers! Thank you.

Chapter 2 Coming Up Roses

… Ryukishi this is #UCKED UP! Why am I still narrating?! I'm bored out of my mind, my throat is getting tired, and there's a fat man in a tuxedo waiting to greet us once we dock.

"Bonjour Milady. You were, as you would say, running late and I was beginning to worry." He spoke in a pompous, prideful manner.

"Ah, no worries my man! This moron here slowed us down a bit by being a scaredy-cat. It was annoying-ze." Jessica finished her line with a verbal tic that I've begun to notice.

"S, shut up… just wait till we see who's slow and steady pace actually helps them out in the long run…" I retort rather pathetically even for me.

Dammit, why does the Ushiromiya head house have to live on this isolated island? Why couldn't they live in Kyoto or the West or the ACTUAL Kanto region with pokemon and stuff! No, we have to settle for this island in the middle of nowhere, way too far from any amusement parks or grocery stores, and we don't even have our own flag or something. Eh I suppose complaining won't get me anywhere so I might as well keep going. Everyone got down from the boat as the strange faux-french servant attended to their every needs.

"You must all be Tellement fatigué. Here, let me get that for you Madame." He spoke to Eva.

"Oh I was just going to make Rudolf carry it but I suppose if you insist.~" Eva chuckled playfully.

"Oy… don't listen to her Gohda… she's just playing her usual games and up to her usual unladylike antics." My old man sighed.

"Battler-kun, isn't this your first time meeting Gohda-San? He wasn't working here six years ago." Kyrie spoke to me as she seemed to pat Rudolf on the back.

"Yes so please allow me the dignity to introduce myself to Monsieur Battler. It is, how do you say, an honor to meet you at last Battler-Sama." Gohda took the moment quite gleefully.

"... Geez you're one letter away from being named after a cheese." It was all I could think of saying.

"..." Gohda looked insecure and even a bit hurt by my comment.

It wasn't the kind of hurt though that seemed saddened, but rather that he had his pride damaged and wasn't happy about it. Kyrie gave me a slightly disappointed expression and Rudolf walked over to me.

"Eh brat. You should be a bit more respectable than that eh? You never know if you'll someday be the family head and have to greet people with more class than the rough language you've been using so far." Rudolf said.

Rosa and Eva both turned to Rudolf as he said this. Eva looked peeved at Rudolf's implication of me ever becoming the family head while Rosa looked a bit concerned as though she had been hoping this conversation topic wouldn't pop up. I wasn't sure what to make of it since I hadn't been here in a long time. I did know that the Ushiromiya family head was a big deal like… LOTTERY big deal but I didn't think it would have this kind of effect. Still I didn't want to start off on the wrong foot with a new servant so I apologized. Gohda mentioned how he had been working here since the year before last. The other family members immediately started to rely on him and the tension from Rudolf's mention of the headship evaporated in an instant. Gohda definitely seemed refined and professional for such a hulking man. What you saw was clearly not what you got… except maybe in the bedroom. Ihihihi~ Ah… n-not that I'm into that! I'm just trying to stave off my narrating boredom by making jokes! The captain waved good-bye as soon as we began to make our way to the heart of the island and Maria waved back cutely.

"...Hmm, now that I think about it, that must be why I've felt something out of place for a while now. I can't hear the cry of the eagles." I said.

"Seagulls Battler-kun." Jessica corrected me with a pout.

"Err… sorry Jessica-chan. They always sound the same on this island."

"Umineko huh? That's the name of this series. Surely this can't be some ironic twist…" George jumped in with an insight of his own.

I remember fondly that the seagulls would cry 'Faris~ nyaa nyaa' or something like that whenever I came to Rokkenjima and it made me feel like I was going to need ear-plugs. Rokkenjima has a lot of uncultivated nature that's perfect for birds but today there was none.

"Something wrong, Battler-kun?" Rosa oba-san was naturally the first one to notice my puzzlement.

"Oh Aunt Rosa… it's nothing really, I was just sayin' it's kind of lonely without the seagulls cries." I reply cheerfully.

"My, now that you say so. It's true. They're usually so lively but there isn't one to be seen." It's lonely."

"That's literally what I just said Rosa…"

"...Gomenasai." Rosa looked a bit sheepish at repeating my thoughts without adding anything I didn't know.

"Uu-.. why?" Maria spoke in what seemed like a long while since her 'ominous' kick.

"Hmm, maybe it's because the seagulls are having a gathering somewhere too? … Or trying to avoid any explosions…? Or… oh! I bet it's the typhoon that's coming in. It's scaring them away to stay into their nests for the night." Rosa went off some rather imaginative ideas before coming to the final conclusion.

"Oh… I was going to suggest Jessica made aaall of 'em into yakitori and ate 'em." I grinned.

"Don't you effin' dare!" Jessica growled when she realized I was speaking this in front of Maria.

"Uu-uu-uu! Jessica-chan made them into yakitori, made them into yakitori! Uu-!" Maria bought my trap perfectly and I delighted in seeing Jessica's flustered reaction.

"George-kun… help me out here-ze." Jessica looked defeated.

"It's like Rosa Oba-san said Jessica-chan. They probably set off for someplace away from the typhoon." George said.

For some reason I imagine the seagulls have the right idea. Even I'm antsy about being on an island in the middle of a bad storm. I hope the island doesn't shake…

"... Yeah, sorry Maria-chan… your mother and George-Aniki are right. It's just today the seagulls are resting in their nests." I apologize to Maria since the joke's run off long enough.

"Uu-... Battler was wrong... " Maria seemed downhearted.

Geez, I didn't think she would believe it that strongly… I look to Rosa for her input and she simply put her hands on her hips and added,

"Yeah… Battler-kun please be more considerate of Maria's mindset. She's still learning new things and so she's very naive."

"I bet teaching her about the birds and the bees would be very interesting in that case eh Rosa nee-san?~" Eva saw her chance to make another playful if snide remark at Rosa.

"... Mother." Even George seemed a bit bothered by Eva's passive aggressiveness in such a scenario and talked to her firmly.

"Nn… sorry Georgie... " Eva apologized rather sincerely.

It seemed Eva definitely didn't want to hurt her son's feelings which was admirable and Rosa looked happy that George came to her aid this time. Maria though looked to Eva very curiously. Naturally when a little girl would hear about the 'birds and the bees' they would instinctively think of animals but realize quickly that it's meant in a different light.

"Uu-... birds and the bees…?" She inquired.

"... Yeah, remember that birds and bees fly?" Rosa awkwardly tried to give a false answer.

"Uu! Like seagulls! Fly, fly! Fall, fall! Battler Onii-chan! Fall! Uu! Uu!" Maria luckily jumped on Rosa's answers and gleefully giggled.

"Grrr… I hope they forget about this by lunch…" I mutter to myself.

Luckily they instead talked about George's uncanny ability at taking care of children though Eva insisted working at Hideyoshi's company was just as rewarding as child-care could possibly be. Rosa also said I was pretty good at taking care of children but to be more careful with my jokes. I appreciated her sweetness though I could do without the wink and giggle she gave me… The old bastard called out to us who were still on the beach to hurry up and reluctantly, in my case anyway, we headed after them. Gohda-san began to lead us while Kumasawa-san brought up the rear. Climbing up a flight of stairs, followed by a twisting uphill path through the forest, geez this would be a fun place to get some exercise or go for a jog. Before long, we saw garden-style stone steps. That could only mean one thing… time to show off the Ushiromiya family's swag.

"Mmhmm check out those flowers rocking it to the 6th power. Looking all fine and gorgeous!~" I exclaimed gleefully.

"Aaah~! It's as beautiful as ever this year." Hideyoshi chimed in.

"The flowers don't seem quite as lovely as they were last year. Perhaps because the summer wasn't warm enough…? Or maybe the head family is so depressing they blocked out the sun?" Eva asked coyly.

"It's more than likely the first part. When one compares it to the grandeur and je ne sais quoi of last years it's a bit inferior." Gohda said.

"Ok, can we just agree though that this rose garden is showing Ushiromiya realness right about now?" I asked, feeling jealous that I missed this supposedly superior blooming of last year.

Still, every year I came to Rokkenjima this garden of roses would always show their sexy faces to us and always make us feel the need to praise their beauty. It even looked like a 'powered-up' version of the rose garden from six years ago. Perhaps it sensed my return and wanted to show to me in a sense it had matured just as much as I have.

"I have to agree with Battler-kun, it must be a joy to have a rose garden like this outside your very own home." Even serious Kyrie was admiring it's beauty.

"Who the hell would take care of it? They have pests, diseases, and are a real pain to maintain." Rudolf was being a sour puss though.

"Obviously the servants." Eva said as a matter-of-factly though it was again kind of rude or her to say in the presence of said servants.

"Doesn't Kyrie Nee-San keep her 'rose' growing nicely? Making sure it doesn't lose a single length on it's 'thorns', keeps having a pleasant aroma, while also ensuring bugs don't bother it?" Rosa seemed to be teasing playfully.

"In this person's case, the rose goes after the insects like a nasty carnivorous plant… and could afford to be a bit more thorny once in awhile." Kyrie replied.

"... Oh… that's what you mean. C'mon, Rosa, you can give it a rest with the flower allusions, I know you are talking about me. I've put it behind me." Rudolf grumbled.

"But you, you, you are, you, you, you are, a womanizer on an almost genetic level…!" Rosa looked a bit haughty, perhaps feeling a bit proud of herself for getting a one-up on her older sibling.

"When a man-"

"Uu… this rose is sick…" Maria's innocent voice interrupted the redundant and increasingly controversial adult conversation.

It appeared while everyone was attempting to read each other to filth through rose metaphors, Maria and the other cousins, including me, were examining the different parts of the rose garden. Maria stopped however to gaze at one rose that looked unusually withered and even dead, a spot of darkness upon a radiant garden. Naturally we had figured out Maria's tendency to get fixated things and tried thinking of ways to get around this. We don't want to spend a whole chapter having to listen to Maria talk about the same thing over and over again after all.

"A-ah… Maria-chan, don't you think the elegance of the rose's scent per~fectly matches me?" I asked her with an exaggerated gesture.

"Sick. Rose. Uu." Maria wasn't buying it.

"So you feel sad for this rose because it's the only one that isn't healthy…?" George asked patiently.

"... Uu-. The others are all healthy but this one's the only one that's sad. Like the other roses told it to 'take a hike' or prevented it from being just as happy as they were… uu-..."

"Well you always get a few that wither. I bet it bloomed earlier than all the other roses and was showing off proudly before it lost its splendor-ze." Jessica offered an elaborate possibility on why that was.

Unfortunately Maria still seemed to be feeling very bad for the withered rose. Despite our sound logic, she was clearly more emotional than reasonable.

"I know Maria-chan. You can be Dr. Maria. Take this and mark Mr. Rose so that you can come to it whenever you'd like during this conference and help it with water." George said, taking out a candy wrapper and tying it gracefully around the withered rose like a birthday present.

'YAY! Dr. Maria, Dr. Maria! Uu!" Maria's mood was instantly brightened up and she jumped up and down gleefully.

"You should name the rose so that you and him can establish a social link."

".. Name… name… uu! I know! Beatrice!" Maria cheered gleefully.

There was an unusually dark and cold silence afterward, Jessica namely looked quite spooked by what Maria had just said. George-Aniki and I weren't quite as spooked, simply just confused and it wasn't like Maria had done anything out of the ordinary by naming it. So this strange silence seemed pointless, given Maria was now much happier than she had been earlier. I was tempted to ask Jessica about it but I decided we would probably get more time to discuss this later so I offered a joke,

"Beatrice is a girl's name."

"Uu… it could be a crossdresser." Maria suggested which only proceeded to make me, George, and Jessica widen our eyes.

"Crossdressing…?! Oh… wait Rosa Oba-San runs a design company doesn't she…? I guess knowing something like that at a tender young age was unavoidable." I figured out that Maria probably witnessed drag queens or people who liked crossdressing ordering some of her mother's fashions.

Luckily this was enough to break the awkward silence caused by the mention of 'Beatrice' the name and the adults conversation slowly began to dominate our ears.

"Eva, you gotta think positive, think positive, think positive! No matter how it may have looked in the past, right now it's beauty is simply out of this world!" Hideyoshi seemed to be trying to ease Eva into the rose garden of the present.

"I know… but Nii-San simply ruined it with his slightly bad taste. I mean was he trying to emmaluate the Queen of Hearts or something with all these roses…? Or maybe he was trying to kiss up to Rosa Nee-San? … I just wish you could've seen it the way it was before dear.~" Eva seemed to lose some of her will to be snide as she admitted to Hideyoshi why she was complaining about the garden.

"I highly doubt that." Rosa groaned with her hands on her hips after Eva had once again thrown her under the bus.

"Excuse me madamoiselles and monsieurs, the time has arrived for moi to escort you all to the, how we say, guesthouse?" Gohda said.

"Why does he say 'how do you say' before words he clearly knows how to say?" Rudolf asked Kumasawa.

"Ohohoho… it's a bit of him trying to show off his pride and cultural experience. Unfortunately he's still very much a recently hired servant and untrusted by Kinzo compared to some of the other servants. I wish I could help him in some way but I can only-

"Yeah… don't care anymore. Hey, who's that?" Rudolf rudely dismissed Kumasawa's explanation to point towards a new face heading towards us.

"My...! OIIIIIIIIIIIIII! Kanon-kun! It's been so long! How you doing?!" Hideyoshi practically exploded with joy as he seemed to recognize who it was.

A goth looking boy stood at attention, a dwarf compared to Gohda though desirable compared to Gohda as well… Ah, as a woman of course! He totally seems like the kind of guy girls would fawn all over in an anime. Ihihihi~ He was transporting gardening tools and the like in a wheelbarrow. Once he heard Hideyoshi's blowhorn of a voice, he set down the wheelbarrow, took off his hat, and bowed his head. The Black Butler is in the house and he was younger than me.

"... Good afternoon." He spoke in a hesitant and rough demeanor that suggested him being unsociable.

"Battler-Sama, I shall introduce. He is one of the the servants who serve the Ushiromiya Head House." Gohda stepped in to speak for him.

"... I'm pleased to meet you…. I am the furniture… Kanon… wait I meant servant… gomenasai…" Kanon gave a very awkward introduction.

Maybe he's emo too now that I think about it… still it can hardly be blamed he'd be inexperienced due to how young he clearly is.

"You can give a better introduction than that Kanon-san." Gohda said with a hint of frustration.

"... Furniture aren't meant to introduce themselves." Kanon replied with a sigh.

"How can you be furniture when I can't even sit on you?" Gohda asked with a grumble.

"... It has a different meaning than that."

By now me and the rest of the family and group were watching them with confusion… well except Eva who was clearly planning on using this unprofessional exchange for a later taunt towards the head house. It seemed as though it wasn't out of spite that Kanon was acting like a stuck-up snob but rather that he simply didn't know how to converse like a normal human being.

"Ah, uh… l-like Kanon-kun's shy and sweet uh I mean just uh… shy. He's the kind that doesn't talk or kiss much… I mean uh… talk. Deep down inside though he's really a good, good, GOOD! person. H-he's been working for three long years… a year longer and harder than Gohda-san right Kanon-kun?" Jessica attempted to explain for Kanon but seemed unusually flustered the whole way through it.

"I recognize that sort of behavior anywhere." Kyrie-san whispered to me with a wink.

It seemed she could tell Jessica's quick defense and flustered demeanor hinted that Jessica might be feeling something more than friendship towards Kanon. To be honest it seemed off that outgoing Jessica would fall for someone who apparently called himself a sofa all the time but giving that we had just met Kanon, there was plenty more to learn about him. I simply smiled and nodded to Kyrie, deciding it was time to introduce Kanon to the big man of the island.

"Ahoy! I'm Battler! I'm 18 years old, what's your age?" I asked him.

"..." A silence, as if appraising whether it was a question that must be answered or not.

Though given we had an awkward silence like this just a few moments ago when Maria named 'Mr. Rose' Beatrice, I could also tell there was something special about this silence. What it was however was impossible to determine. For better or for worse, Jessica plowed on ahead as if she was on a road roller.

"Um, uh…! If I remember correctly, he's two years longer than us so… sweet sixteen right-ze?"

"... Yes. … That is correct." What a delicate flower of manhood…

"Heh he~ I'm glad to have someone around my age! Just be cool and call me Lord Battler! And I'll call you Lorde Kanon!" I teased cheerfully.

"...Thank you very much. But just the sentiment and the reference is sufficient enough… Battler-sama." Kanon said.

"Can we move on already… sheesh~..." Eva seemed to be getting bored waiting with all the other adults who also seemed a little restless and eager to get to unpack.

"... Well then. I still have work to do. ... If you'll excuse me." Kanon seemed to have heard that and made to leave with the wheelbarrow after another perfunctory bow.

Just then, suddenly, the wheelbarrow wobbled and fell, scattering the load. A very klutzy display that wasn't really a defining character moment but rather a sign that the servants weren't exactly flawless.

"Clean it up fool!" Gohda whispered aggressively into his ear, feeling the shame of being related to Kanon.

Kanon wordlessly began to reload the wheelbarrow and was doing fine until he came across some sacks of fertilizer. These sacks were giving him notable trouble and made Jessica look sad upon seeing this climactic struggle. Damn you sacks! Jessica attempted to help lift up a shovel but Gohda assured he could do it and that he didn't want her to dirty her garments. Maria inquired about this but I knew the truth. I hate guys who make waitresses pick up their fallen forks, as well as guys who abuse women, make them pay all their expenses, and are just plain jerks. So I stepped in and lifted up the other fallen bags of fertilizer. Kanon-kun looked to me with the greatest surprise, not expecting such level of assistance from a guest.

"...B-Battler-sama… That's sufficient… I'll take care of everything, so…"

"Nonsense! I'm always at my best when I'm in a pinch. Otherwise I'm usually incompetent but I can work it when it counts. Heheheh!" I cheekily remarked in response to Kanon's attempt to take responsibility.

"Incompetent is right though… this is just barely a step in the right direction as a real man Battler-kun. Ah-hah-hah-ha! Later we're gonna bust you to Kanon-kun about how hilarious you were-ze!" Jessica chuckled.

For once I just let this barb from Jessica go and didn't object. What mattered most was that I had helped Kanon-kun regain some sort of positive feeling. Although it was annoying to hear Maria repeat 'Fallll, falllll' for the umpteenth time. Kanon begged for forgiveness and left, especially when Gohda gave him the stink eye. Surprisingly, Eva oba-san was the one to tell Gohda to go easy on Kanon-kun, saying he should be helping the younger servant. Gohda apologized as earnestly as he could with Hideyoshi adding in that Kanon-kun had a lot of things he was probably good at. Like looking like a cosplayer… or making striped socks look fashionable. Either way, after some spirited jokes from Kumasawa, our moods improved and we finally made the migration over to the guesthouse. A trim, elegantly simple… hey!

And because Battler-kun is a whinybutt of a narrator, it's time to go third person. Kanon-kun watched 'over the hedge' as the guests all entered the guesthouse. Then he turned to the sacks of fertilizer lying upon the wheelbarrow, as though they were the only thing he could relate to. He was lambasting himself for not displaying the same easygoing strength that Battler had demonstrated. It was extremely difficult for anyone reading the novel or manga for the first time to understand what sort of feelings had been stirred up in the young servant. But what you could tell was that unlike Elsa, there was something he couldn't let go. … Muttered words escaped his lips but in a tone so soft even he couldn't hear them.

"... I wish I could. …"

"I remember the rose garden, but… since when did we have a guesthouse?" I asked.

GEEZ, warn me next time you take charge of the narration and furthermore, are you serious?! I've been talking for the last several thousand words, take charge for once! Ugh… anyways, there was a gatepost thing that described this place as 'Toraian' or "Vistor's Retreat" but apparently everyone just called it the guesthouse. Naturally it was western-styled in architecture and seemed perfectly designed to match the rose garden.

"Correct! It was built the year before last. And after that, they made us sleep over here." George said.

"It's WAYYYYY more fun than the stuck-up mansion. I wish I lived here-ze!" Jessica spoke up.

"Uu-! Maria wants one too! And a My Little Pony! And a new bunny! And-!"

"Calm down Maria-chan… I do agree this guesthouse is gorgeous but I really, really, really, REALLY wouldn't want to live here." Rosa emphasized how she 'REALLY' didn't want to live here quite strongly.

"Why's that Rosa Oba-san?" I asked.

"... Well, it's isolated for one and I'd love to live somewhere where Maria could easily get to and from her friends houses or school." Rosa explained.

"Ahh!~ What a noble goal for your child Nee-San. There is a reason I moved out of here myself too which was to have George experience much more than just the woods and the mansion.~ This guesthouse isn't enough to make up for the experience and education the outside world gives though I must say the western style is the best style." Eva showed common ground with her younger sister.

"Hmm… that's a good point indeed. Though there's something really cool about having your own private island like this. It makes you feel loaded and like a king!~" I chuckle.

Gohda interrupted our conversation to direct me, my parents, and the rest of our relatives to our respective rooms in the guesthouse. George talked about how Eva and Hideyoshi were fretting over Western-style or Japanese-style for their houses and Jessica got into how her parents were frosty but aligned when it came to her grades. Every room in this guesthouse seemed to be two-person which would work great for mom and dad so they could 'enjoy themselves'. Ihihihi~

"Battler-kun… please don't fantasize about dirty stuff, especially involving me and your father." Kyrie read me like an open book.

"Something dirrrrrrrrrty? Of couuuuuuuuuurse not! Do please… enjoy your staaaaay~! Owowowowowowow… not againnnnnnn!" My teasing was unfortunately countered by Dad pulling on my ears again.

"Cut the crap. I'm getting a stomachache, and I'm not in the mood for this. You're the guest of honor this time around. You better be a good boy with Dad and Aniki and the rest of the family ok?! Because wisecracks don't go well with him. …. Jessica-chan, what's the head of our family's mood been lately?" Rudolf turned to Jessica.

"...Hmm… same as last year, I guess. … Considering they say he's got three months left , he's as stubborn, grumpy, crazy, witch-worshipping, and irritable as ever." Jessica's reply seemed a bit rehearsed for some odd reason though it did sound like Gramps alright.

"Meaning, this year he's in his usual bad mood. …. And as usual, the only one with the balls to take care of him is Genji-san?" Rosa asked.

"It seems that the Master will only open his heart to Genji-san… and certainly the strictest metaphorical version of that statement. Lately, us small people cannot even get an audience…" Kumasawa defined.

"Well no duh! Father only trusts those with the One-Winged Eagle on their clothes! Why would he allow you dwarves to discuss matters with him?!" Eva growled, perhaps annoyed that Kumasawa was suggesting that even his own children wouldn't be able to see them.

"... Eva! Settle down… do you know where Father is?" Hideyoshi put a stop to Eva's rampage though judging from Kumasawa's expression the damage was done.

"He's shut himself up in that study again, probably doing nothing but playing chess and drinking beer and practicing that black magic of his again-ze. Geez, when it stinks up the house is when it makes me wish he'd just drop dead already." Jessica complained.

"I don't think Natsuhi Nee-San would be happy to hear that coming from you though. She's all about Father and his health." Rudolf pointed out to Jessica.

"... I don't really care much about what my Mother thinks nowadays."

"But you have to admit Jessica-chan, he rebuilt the Ushiromiya Family from the ground up. We're indebted to him and we should give him proper gratitude. Not to mention your mother gave birth to you in this world and has done a lot to keep you housed, comfortable, and educated." George's soft statement got Jessica to utter a quick apology.

Something was beginning to tell me there was more to Dad's stomach ache than just a mere boat ride or a long trip. I had heard tales about our crazy Head of the Family being unbelievably violent to his children with fists and wooden swords, and being a hard-ass every way, shape, and form except for their names. It's going to keep spreading at this rate unless we can put an end to it. I have faint memories of him being able to freeze up the entire room with tension with his mere presence alone. Plus, if I'm the guest of honor, there's probably going to be extra pressure put upon me with today's visit. The other cousins began to go on about how he was very honest though usually favored the smarter people of the family and Jessica lambasted how her maidenly, pure ass was spanked with a wooden sword. It seemed as though all she wanted to do at this point was to hand the position of heiress to the Ushiromiya family to George-Aniki. Maria cutely offered to help hold her heavy load but Jessica dismissed it sweetly… ugh I can't take this narrating anymore… at least for this scene… basically we got into our rooms, George was acting suspicious, and me and Maria tickled him into mentioning Shannon before the next scene transition.

Thankfully you don't have to hear Battler cutting corners anymore so let's continue. Eventually it was finally lunch and most of the adults gathered in an elegant parlor at the main mansion to enjoy themselves. There was one new face that hadn't been seen before on the island and Hideyoshi was speaking to her,

"By the way Natsuhi Nee-San. How's your head?"

"... I have been much better lately. Thank you for your concern." A rather frail though beautiful-looking woman replied holding her head tenderly.

"Oh, right! Here. A present for your pity party Natsuhi Nee-San." Rosa pulled out something yet again that she had brought with her.

"...Thank you very much. I'm always receiving gifts from you. … Is this black tea?" The woman who was by now obviously Natsuhi smiled sincerely.

"It's herb tea with peppermint and lemon balm. It's a blend from a well-known store and is supposed to be good with depression… wait no I mean headaches. Gomenasai." Rosa apologized for her slip of the tongue.

"That reminds me, you were always saying you get those headaches. What are you doing? Banging your head against the wall or something?~ Is Aniki driving you up the wall that much?~ I think you need to pull it together or else Jessica-chan will suffer as a result of you sucking HARD as a mother who's supposed to be three years younger than me.~" Eva asked in a rather dubious tone.

"... I apologize. I was born this way." Natsuhi looked tense again and for good reason.

It was obvious there was no love lost six years ago between Eva and Natsuhi as Eva had just came for Natsuhi. Natsuhi was used to it by now but still had to remain somewhat proper and fair and thus pretended to ignore Eva.

"Come to think of it, exams time is rolling in isn't it? Rudolf-san, you should be dedicating yourself just as hard as Natsuhi Nee-San for Battler's sake." Kyrie sweetly tried to make Natsuhi feel more at ease.

"Uhh… say Hideyoshi nii-san, didn't George do really well on his exams? Maybe you could give me some advice to reign in that brat of mine." Rudolf attempted not to confront the main issue at hand.

"Basically I got him to figure out that studying is a way of saying 'learn how to learn'." Hideyoshi replied.

"... That's splendid. Unfortunately I don't think Jessica understands the full significance of that though. As of right now, she doesn't at all, but as the heiress of the proud and noble Ushiromiya family." Natsuhi said.

"Do you really have to make her the successor to the head? You could just give it to somebody who wants it more than she does. I mean women should be finding their own happiness in life.~" Eva challenged Natsuhi yet again.

"Hold your high horses Eva. Each family has its way to raise their children. You shouldn't be pushy." Hideyoshi pacified things best he could.

"Sorry bout it Natsuhi nee-san.~" Eva teased.

"..." Natsuhi's expression seemed to say 'I'm surprised you even use honorifics for me'.

"Still, this black tea is really lovely. Let's drink it at once. Leopold's tea from Ginza for the win!" Kyrie said, probably to keep everyone else from glaring at Eva for ruining the mood.

"Yes! Let's drink!" Rosa chirped.

"STOP! I-I mean, don't trouble yourselves please Kyrie nee-san, Rosa nee-san. One of the servants should be fetching tea soon." Natsuhi seemed eager to prove something and so she firmly but selflessly indicated they shouldn't trouble themselves.

Rosa and Kyrie obediently sat back down and waited for the tea. Or at least they would've waited for the tea but perhaps the reason why they had tried to make the tea was that the tea itself that was meant to be here was late and was embarrassing for the host. Natsuhi bit her lower lip, cursing the servants in her head to a brutal scolding for being so incompetent. Seeing her face, Eva, without hesitation, began to giggle.

"Sucks to be you.~"

"Enough already!" Rosa, Kyrie, Hideyoshi, and Rudolf all shouted at Eva, fed up with her antics.

...Of course, the barely aforementioned Shannon had no way of knowing that there was more drama in the parlor than a typical season of Survivor. She came pushing a dish cart piled with tea cups. For no apparent reason, or perhaps the fact that her guests had lashed out, Natsuhi gave Shannon a pained look which worried Shannon at once.

"...E, excuse me. The tea is prepared." Shannon tried her best to speak composedly.

"Oh. SHANNON-SWAN! It's been a while! You keep getting prettier every time I see you!" Hideyoshi exclaimed happily.

"She looks the same as last year dear." Eva flatly said, showing she also had a beef with Shannon.

"...oh... um... Thank you…." To her credit, Shannon ignored Eva entirely though this wasn't going to save her from an increasingly cross Natsuhi.

"Leave the idle chattering for after you've set the table, placed the tea in the cups, and behaved properly!" Natsuhi ordered.

"...I….I apologize…Madam." Shannon apologized like a frightened rabbit and bumped into the serving cart, making her breasts jiggle slightly but at the cost of an unsightly noise and several teaspoons being dropped.

Rosa and Kyrie looked to one another in a defeated way, figuring there'd be no way to possibly diffuse the tension now and wishing Natsuhi had let them prepare tea. Rudolf looked neutral about it, Eva was eating it up like an audience member of the Maury Show, Hideyoshi was trying to ease Eva out of that particular mindset, and Natsuhi's glare would've made Shannon burst into flames. Not quite a proud family.

"Aww… it's her own unique greeting Natsuhi nee-san. Besides, the tea's probably as cold as Antarctica by now. Heheheh~." Eva's menace knew no bounds.

"It. ...It's all right… it's not cold yet…" Shannon attempted to defend herself but…

"Ignore the sideshow Shannon and set the table already!" Natsuhi lost her composure entirely and not only insulted Eva but also made Shannon look ready to rush out of the room.

"W-who are you-"

"Girl, give it a rest already!" Hideyoshi groaned as he tried to relax Eva by massaging her shoulders.

After another awkward apology, Shannon got to preparing the table and tea at last. Rudolf urged Natsuhi not to bully Shannon much like how Eva urged Gohda not to bully Kanon but Natsuhi denied bullying her to begin with. Kyrie inquired about the brand of the tea next, figuring it was the safest option in this quickly declining conversation.

"...I… I'm terribly sorry….. I don't really know… I'll found out later..." Shannon said nervously.

 _How hard is it to not trigger a landmine in this freaking room?!_ Kyrie grumbled to herself in her head as she awaited the inevitable barb from Eva or scolding from Natsuhi.

"What an IDIOT. You don't even know what you're serving us? Anybody could claim it's from Wonderland at that rate! Do you at least have a silver spoon? Or has that ran away with the dishes…?~" Eva tore into Shannon like a carnivorous dinosaur.

"... I…. I'm sorry…. I didn't know we were supposed to have silver spoons…" Shannon's pit was dug deeper and deeper.

At this point Rosa was slumping her head on the table and even Rudolf looked positively embarrassed to be in the room.

"Shannon-chan? Do you know what silver spoons are used for? Or why they have to be silver? Or what silver is? Or that there's a My Little Pony character NAMED Silver Spoon?"

"...no." Shannon spoke as quietly as she could, trying to focus on setting the table and averting the fact she had made the mood incredibly awkward.

As charming as Eva's catty smile was, so far her words had the sharpness of a razor and that was what she was wearing at that point in time. Rosa, having been on the receiving end of Eva's aggression earlier, came to Shannon's aid.

"They say if silver is touched by poison, it dims. *Giggles* Isn't that your new lesson learnt for the day Shannon-chan?"

"..." Natsuhi's gaze was currently trying to freeze the teacup set before her.

If the tea hasn't been tested for poison, it can't be drunk. In Natsuhi's eyes this was an insult to both the tea… and herself for serving it. It was also an insult to her pride, the Ushiromiya family pride, the pride of the parlor, the servant's pride, and #pride.

"To be honest the only real poison is Eva's tongue. She's practically a poison-type." Rudolf joked.

"WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Since I get to hear that poison-tongue every day, I must be poison-proof by now! I don't pay it much in mind, but poor souls who without type advantages are in for a stormy ride! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Hideyoshi laughed in such a way that it was clear he was desperately trying to lighten the mood.

"My, how cruel. I only gave Shannon-chan a bit of information about tea, didn't I?~"

"And read Natsuhi nee-san, and read Shannon-chan for her looks, and ruined the atmosphere, and called her an idiot, and criticized Natsuhi nee-san's parenting, and accused her of banging her head against the wall, and-" Rosa seemed to be getting payback for Eva's annoying habits by listing all the things that Eva had done.

"T-that was uncalled for! BAKA ROSA!" Eva lashed out again.

 _Why did I marry into this family again?_ Kyrie asked herself again, feeling as she was the only one amongst the adults besides Rosa, the still missing Krauss, and maybe Hideyoshi who hadn't acted like an outright jerk so far during this conference. Natsuhi though was slightly relieved Rosa was standing up for her a bit though it was nowhere near enough to make up for the humiliation she had just experienced from Shannon's hand. Eva had to be settled down from going off on another tirade by Hideyoshi while Rosa merely folded her arms and scowled as she sat down. Clearly Eva had used that derogatory term before against her before. Kyrie apologized to Shannon in a low voice for not being able to help avoid this catastrophe as the servant finally finished setting the tea table and tried to leave. ...Shannon gave a light bow and hightailed it the heck out of there…. Shannon wandered down the hall with the dish cart and a hung head, her pitiful aura making it obvious she had been through some #hit.

"... Don't be sad. You didn't do anything wrong, Nee-san." Kanon appeared to speak with Shannon.

"... You were watching." She said calmly.

"That is my duty as furniture."

"..." Shannon closed her eyes.

"Madam and Eva-sama can go to hell. ….. But the even worse coward is that guy." Kanon glared hatefully in the opposite direction of the parlor.

In truth, the delay for the tea was caused by some trifling problem in the kitchen. These problems were not Shannons' fault. The truth is that it had been Gohda's mistake. He was too big of a showoff in faux-french and cooking to hand over a flamboyant job like carting the tea to the guests in the first place. He had ended up wasting time preparing the tea a second time. So, knowing he wouldn't be able to make it on time, he pushed the task on setting the table on Shannon, who happened to be passing by. Basically… he passed the blame in a despicable way.

"... It's alright. Kanon-kun, thank you. … I really don't mind..." Shannon humbly refused to play the blame game herself.

"..." Kanon didn't believe it for a second.

"... No matter what, thank you. Even if you're the only one who understands, I feel better.."

"... You bottle things up too much, Nee-San. Sometimes with literal bottles. … You should be less hard on yourself for once." Kanon sympathetically said.

"Yeah. ….. Thanks." Shannon said with a smile until they both felt someone approaching and turned around.

A middle-aged man who you might've recognized from the opening scenes stood there. It was Genji, the head servant.

"... what are you doing here? ... shannon, hurry back to the kitchen. " He asked as unemotionally as ever.

"Y, yes…. If you'll excuse me…" Shannon humbly obeyed and promptly made to push the cart and leave.

However, Kanon appealed to Genji in silence, bearing something in his eyes that he could not express in words.

"... what is it? did something happen…?" Genji inquired.

"... Sha, … Sha-Shannon didn't do anything wrong. But even so, they…" Kanon made to clearly complain about the adults but Shannon stopped him.

"Stop it, Kanon-kun… If you'll excuse me. I'll return to work immediately. Kanon-kun, you too, go back to your post. …. Please." She spoke clearly.

"... If you say so, Nee-san."

"... if that is all, then go." Genji lowered his head and stated.

"...Yes, if you'll excuse me…."

As the servants scattered, an old woman wearing an apron watched over them like a stalker. It was none other than Kumasawa…

"... I feel so sorry for them, Shannon-san, Kanon-san… There's no reason for those two to be picked on. … But, it cannot be denied that they are disliked by Gohda-san… For someone who in his mind is older and wiser, and also wiser to be of a lower rank in the Ushiromiya family compared to two much younger and inexperienced servants, it drives him insane. Until he came to work for the Ushiromiya family, I heard he worked for a fabulous hotel somewhere. Compared to what he learned there and now, he came in here with a lot of pride. With that pride fundamentally damaged, he picks on them endlessly. And also, … although it's terrible, they are hated by Madam Natsuhi too… Madam, with having married into the family, has more experience than them but… they are not allowed to sympathize with her. … The master is also a truly cruel person… He probably did not realize his own trifling whims passed so much of an inferiority complex to his wife… … Naturally, Madam's inner thoughts fully acknowledge there's no reason to antagonize those two… However, the heart has reasons that reason knows not… Aah, I feel so sorry for them… I can't do anything but watch over them from the shadows and give exposition…" And with that, the monologue ended.

12:00 and Cinderella's time has just run out.

To Be Continued...


End file.
